“WARNING: WONDER SHOWZEN CONTAINS OFFENSIVE, DESPICABLE CONTENT THAT IS TOO CONTROVERSIAL AND TOO AWESOME FOR ACTUAL CHILDREN. THE STARK, UGLY, PROFOUND TRUTHS WONDER SHOWZEN EXPOSES MAY BE SOUL-CRUSHING TO THE WEAK OF SPIRIT. IF YOU ALLOW A CHILD TO WATCH THIS SHOW, YOU ARE A BAD PARENT OR GUARDIAN.” (In background: “Don’t eat my baby! Don’t eat my baby!”)

“I like sparkles. And porno.”

“Chicken dinners make me strong so I can yell louder.”

“Why don’t you avoid the middleman and just give your Social Security check to the mob?”

“I think warthogs are beautiful, but people say I’m ugly. I guess that makes me stupid.”

WHAT IS HEAVEN?
“Heaven is when you order six nuggets and they give you a seventh. And a switchblade.”
“I’ll never know.”
“A day without my PILLS. PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS PILLS!!”
“Heaven is where drunk daddies drive off to.”
“Ask my cellmate.”
“When you mix up the letters of HEAVEN you get DEATH’S DESIGN.”

“I spell ‘freedom’ B-S!

“Some of the animals here have better living conditions than people in most Third World countries.”

“Dear Jesus, GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE. Amen.”

“You’re never too young to have a Vietnam flashback.”

“Can you justify capitalism in three words or less?”

“That’s what my dog did. In my hands.”
“That’s what my grandma once did on the coffee table. We rubbed her nose in it.”

WHAT IS LOVE?
“A neurochemical con job.”
“A new product?”
“Who cares! I’m going to Cabo! WOOO!! (I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself…)”

“These kids think I can actually read! Idiots.”

“I do impressions. Can I do one of you? Gamble, gamble, gamble, die.”

I never never wanna grow up
Old people make me wanna throw up…

Nazi to cowboy: “Whose hat represents more oppression, yours or mine?”

IF YOU HAD ONE WISH WHAT WOULD IT BE?
“I just want to punch God in the face.”
“I wish I had my innocence back.”
“I want my mom and dad back together… in Hell.”

“I never thought about shaving my beard or setting the slaves free. But I did think about shaving the slaves and setting my beard free!”

“So life is getting hard for you. Your parents aren’t getting along and they’re getting a divorce. …LOSER! HA HA HA HA HA!! LOSER!!!

“Hey! There’s my maid! And there’s my other maid! They’re always speaking that maid language… Espanol.”

“I got some letters for ya: F-U!”
“I gotta number for you: number TWO…on your CHEST, beyotch!”

“If a bully is mean to you, don’t be mean back. Kill ’em with kindness.”

“I haven’t seen that many dead slave owners in a long time.”

WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?
“Negligence.”
“Abusive fathers.”
“Ignored prayers.”
“Carelessness.”
“The desire for welfare.”
“I can’t tell you, but I saw a picture of it. I’ll spell it for you: B-U-T.”

“When did you sell your conscience?”

“I developed a crush on my sister.”

“And on the seventh day, God did body shots.”

WHY IS AMERICA NUMBER ONE?
“We may not be the most intellegent nation, but we sure is the smartest!”
“White wine, white women and hate crimes.”

“Burn, economy, burn!”

“Hot dogs give me strength to fight off my daddy.”

White people havin’ fun
Global domination over everyone
White people smile so bright
Genocide for everyone that isn’t wh-i-ite
White people
Whi-i-ite people
You’re killing yourselves

“Today’s Wonder Showzen was brought to you by Whitey’s God-tastic God Sauce. Lordy, that Lord meat is ass-kickin hot!”

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